i think i'm at this place in my life right now where i just can't be angry anymore. i can't keep picking at all the bad stuff, everything that's problematic, because everything will be problematic in some way. it's not productive to be "that" person who always criticizes but never reflects on how you yourself are just like every other person..."problematic" and worth criticizing. i'm picking my battles and there are just some that i can not and refuse to put my energy in to because i know it won't make a difference. i will just end up feeling like i lost something...and i don't want that.

on a side note, i am so ready to be out of this place. all that stands in my way are four classes and a gigantic thesis that i really have a hard time sitting down and writing. all i want to do is lay in my bed or watch really good and really bad tv. but when i think about it, this is the last time (at least for a few years) that i will have the luxury of not making a living to support myself. all i have to do is read books and write (and i don't even want to do that). granted, the things that come along with being in college also suck a bit (lack of sleep, addiction to coffee, etc.). hmmm...

i've been thinking a lot lately about my relationships with people. i have great friends from high school who i love dearly. as for college, i think the people i thought i would be able to build life long relationship with really ended up being disappointing. but i've also gained some surprising relationships that i am really thankful for. people say that college is the time in your life where you gain the friends you'll have for the rest of your life...i'm not so sure about that...but we'll see.

now that i actually must accomplish some sort of work, i'm going to start blogging again. i think it will be good for me to write more than just "academic" papers...get my thoughts out, etc....all that stuff that blogging supposed to do.

these days i'm feeling a bit conflicted and torn. my days in the comfortable, and yet constricting, bubble of pomona college and claremont, ca are coming to an end. but i'm ready. i'm ready to leave this place and set out on the next chapter of my life. i'm tired of this place. i will definitely miss the awesome people that have contributed so much to my enjoyment of college. but as for the place, probably not so much.

tell me why everyone seems like they know what they are doing. yet i continue to get rejected from most things i apply to. i don't even know what i want anymore. it's hard for me to regret not following this "traditional" track of more schooling right after graduation. i find myself thinking i should have just taken those GREs or LSATs when i hear about people getting in to school, getting offered a job, etc. and that question. that stupid question "what are doing with your future? what are you doing in the fall?" i ask that question in the hopes that there is someone else out there who also has no clue what to do. but even then, that doesn't make me feel better (and it shouldn't). i keep feeling like i'm not qualified to do anything. what did i do in college? isn't college supposed to prepare you for a career? you know what i feel prepared to do...read and write, only to be critiqued and judged. but no one will hire me to do that...every other person can do it and probably better than i can. and as much as i wish i could just not care about how much money i make, i can't. really, i need to make enough money for me to support myself and support my parents. sometimes i find myself wishing i didn't have the additional burden of working for my family, but i want to. what does it mean for my parents to raise me and support me in every way they can and for me to just leave? blahhhhhhhh.....i just want a job, something to make me happy, and be financially stable...is that too much to ask? obviously it is. i hate capitalism.

i'm also recognizing how privileged you have to be in order to apply for things. doesn't it seem odd that you have to pay in order to get paid...and it's all justified because you call it an "investment" in your future. what if you don't have the money in order to pay to fly somewhere for an interview or pay for that application fee or test???
also, why is it that in order to be environmentally conscious you then have to pay more????

i should really work on my thesis. that is what i will do. i resent the people who don't have to do one and yet complain about how much work they have. as much as i hate comparing how busy people are, i can't really deal with the fact that the busiest you'll be was to write a lit review. yeah...i'm judging you.

i just want to be done. i feel like i've become a crazy person.
(i really hope these thoughts of mine that end up being written on this blog aren't always rants/criticisms/craziness)